31/10/16 – Choices

Considering I’ve been sick for a week and haven’t put out pretty much anything in who knows how long, it’s as good a time as any to talk about what’s been tormenting me lately.

There are a lot of things I’ve wanted to do, a lot of things I want to do that I’m not doing, and things that I have been doing that I don’t really want to do anymore. The main issue right now is resolving all of these things and making choices about what I’m going to do with my life and where my life will go.

For example, I like to write and want to keep writing, obviously. That’s one reason why I’m doing this. But I haven’t really expanded what I’m actually writing about. These days it’s tended to just be things that come to my mind. And while people have enjoyed that, I feel like I want more direction in what I’m actually writing.

I could write game reviews, or write about current events, or even more thoroughly document my life. I could write for a purpose, not just “whenever I feel like it.” Doing it the “whenever I feel like it” way has bothered me because I feel like that doesn’t really lead anywhere and I don’t feel dedicated to anything.

Similarly, up until this month (when a lot of things were being crazy, between health and mental issues, to PRGE), I’d been streaming every week. Once a week, on Sunday, at noon Pacific time – generally for about six hours. That’s been my schedule. But I’m honestly not sure I can keep it up.

I’ve had big plans for streaming, and I have had a lot of fun with it. I even considered that I could make a YouTube channel and do videos, not just streams. But honestly, it’s another of those things that I’m not sure really leads anywhere and the bigger problem here is that I’m not sure the fun is worth the hassle.

Let me be perfectly frank: taking care of myself and everything at home is being difficult right now – honestly it seems like more than I can handle on a daily basis, though I am managing to get through it so that’s probably not completely true. I just can’t take even six hours out of my week on one day because things might come up, as they seem to inevitably do.

Then there’s my career. I am, frankly, falling apart under the pressures of my current job and yet I don’t see any conceivable way I can get another job with my current skill set. I’ve been getting a bit more serious about studying programming because I hate just being a script novice, but I still haven’t done nearly enough.

I’d love to build things and reverse-engineer things and be a master and expert at using computers, and I want that to be my career. But I don’t feel like I have the time or the energy to really do that for myself, even though I feel like I need to. I can get energy back by having fun and relaxing, but then I lose time – but then I have no energy if I don’t.

And underneath all of that, the biggest thing that I’ve restrained inside myself because it feels like such a pipe dream… is I want to be a game designer. Honestly.

For almost my entire life, since very early years, I’ve been thinking about games, the design of games, and have even wanted to make my own games. That’s never gone away. But it’s never felt possible.

I like level editors and very accessible game making tools for this reason. It’s part of why I love Super Mario Maker so much, and why I regret not devoting more of my time to it. But like so many things I’ve talked about here, it feels like that’s really not going to go anywhere for me.

And therein lies my ultimate problem, I suppose.

I don’t feel like anything I pursue will ultimately lead anywhere. The only thing I’ve found that I see a future in is programming, and I still barely feel like I can devote myself to that for the reasons described above. The rest of these things are just “things to do”… And would they actually build into something bigger? Maybe. But I don’t know.

I want to just dive headfirst into everything I could conceive of doing and just do those things, and trust that those things aren’t a waste of time. Deep in my heart, that’s what I really want to do. But every time I try, I tell myself that I can’t.

So… that’s where I’ve been for the past week or so, and ultimately much longer. This is a deep issue and it doesn’t feel like it’s going away any time soon.

I just hope I find some purpose in my desires sooner or later. I don’t feel like I’ll make any genuine progress until everything I’m trying to do makes sense to me.

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